Only Wounded, Not Lost
by Heart of punks
Summary: My version of how the Half Lost should of ended, and the ending Nathan and Gabriel deserved and also the ending that helps me sleep at night. *spoiler for the series and for Half Lost*


Smoke, the smell of burning flesh, the residing sounds of gunshots.

Adrenaline coursing through me.

Jessica lies there, still, no more glints in her eyes. Adele is standing now.

"Nathan."

Its Gabriel. He said my name so softly I couldn't help but whip my head to him. Blood is pouring out of him. Jessica's bullets have deflected off of me and hit him mostly in his torso, and one stray seems to have skimmed his head. I'm shouting for Arran, the real Arran, while telling Gabriel to heal. If Arran hurries, Gabriel will be alright. And Gabriel's eyes are open and staring at me and I bend over and tell him that he'll be alright. "I can't…." And I say that he can heal and he has to, that Arran will be here soon but his eyes are not focusing on me now and I'm holding his hand so tightly but he doesn't hold it back. I tell him he mustn't leave me, that I couldn't bear it and he knows that.

The glints in his eyes are there but turning so slowly and then Arran is there but Gabriel is losing so much blood and Arran says he has to get the bullets out and he cuts into him, into Gabriel, and I'm screaming and the glints are moving even slower and Arran digs out two bullets and I think I'm still screaming, and then Celia is there, grabbing me.

She's thrusting a knife in my hands and telling me something but I can't hear her because I'm still yelling for Gabriel, yelling for him to heal and stay with me and then Celia's hand meets my face and pulls me to look her in the eyes.

"…time, Nathan." What did she just say? I voice that thought as Arran is desperately looking to me to Gabriel and Gabriel is breathing so shallowly.

"Nathan, stop time." Celia stares so hard and desperately into my face I realize she's scared, too. "Stop time, Nathan. You have to find the bullets, and then we'll do the rest." Gabriel is breathing slower now and I look and his glints are almost still.

"I don't know how to cut a bullet out," I say, my hands trembling. Celia nods and grabs my shoulders and walks me through where I need to cut, and what I should do after I make the cuts. I'm trembling, Arran is looking at me while still fishing a bullet out of Gabriel. I can't focus, I can't calm down enough to stop time but then I look at Gabriel, and he mouths something and I know it's my name and I know then, that I can do this, that I have to do this.

So I do.

It's hard. Arran and Celia stay frozen as a hold Gabriel, telling him I love him and please don't leave me and I cut into him. My cuts are ragged but blood doesn't seep out where I cut, and I'm shaking and I think I'm yelling as I pull out one, two, three bullets. I have to seal the cuts and I'm not sure how and I think I'm fucking it up but as I'm doing this I'm yelling out for Gabriel, for him to heal, for me, and I think I'm yelling for God.

I don't think I've ever asked God for anything.

But for right now, I'll take anything. I finish my hack job, and unfreeze time. Arran and Celia only pause for a second before they leap into action, bandages and potions and curses and I think I'm crying now, still holding Gabriel. He looks up at me and his glints are so slow, they look still, but they're there.

Gabriel's eyes slip closed, and I'm shouting for him to stay awake, but he's still breathing. Then Celia shouts for more help and I'm being pulled away but I don't want to be pulled away and I'm cursing at who's grabbing me but they tell me I have to go, I have to give them room to work and I know they're right but Gabriel needs me.

And I need Gabriel.

My body burns with every step I take but I walk away as more trainees come in and help Celia and Arran. I think I pray to God again as I take one last look and step fully out of the room.

A week has passed.

I think by now, though, it's been longer. I can't keep track of time that well when I'm an animal, and being an animal is the only thing making this all bearable.

The alliance succeeded in its mission. Soul, Wallend, and Jessica are all dead. The rest of the council surrendered, and only a few Hunter's managed to escape, but we'll hunt them down later. The whole country is simultaneously raging in victory and in anguish at the change in leadership. Most of it is in celebration, though. Arran tells me people think I'm a hero, that witches everywhere have me to thank, but I don't believe it. I don't care about all that anyway.

I only care about Gabriel.

They managed to patch him up, and Gabriel, always so strong, managed to keep healing enough to let himself be patched up and carried out of the council building. There was a decision to be made whether to take him to a fain hospital or back to a camp to heal. I voted no to fain doctors, but Arran told me his injuries were so severe he needed the help of fain equipment. So we reached a compromise. Isn't that what the Alliance is all about?

We took Gabriel back to a camp and I stole the things Arran said he needed from the nearest fain hospital.

Gabriel is healing, but he hasn't been awake since he was riddled with bullets back in the tower. His breathing and pulse grow stronger every day, but he still looks so pale, and so still, and so unlike Gabriel. The first few days I didn't leave his side, but it was just too much that I couldn't sit there anymore, just looking at Gabriel, wishing with each second was the second his eyes would open and being able to do nothing.

But now I've come back, being away hurt worse than sitting next to his silent form. It's dark, and the campsite is just the remains of what it was. I find Arran next to Gabriel, checking bandages and taking his temperature. Celia is gone, apparently she's the figure head for the Alliance now, and she had to go to help control the hysteria. When I enter Arran looks at me, his eyes the same soft and kind as ever but also very, very tired.

"How is he?" My voice is low and raspy, no doubt from not being used over the past few days. Arran smiles slightly. "Better," He mutters, carefully bandaging the wound on the side of Gabriel's head. I stare, at Arran's sure hands and also at Gabriel's face, so still and peaceful. I am so relieved to see him still breathing, but the desire for him to open his eyes burns worse than a hunter bullet. I sit beside the cot and take Gabriel's hand in mine. I grasp his firmly but no response from him. Arran goes to another cot in the tent and lies down.

"He's still healing, Nathan," Arran's voice is almost as raspy as mine, "He'll wake up soon."

But I'm not so sure, and Arran is just trying to comfort me so I nod and let him. Adele comes, and she leaves. Only one other trainee comes by, who's name I can't remember. She brings more supplies to Arran, and is even brave enough to nod in my direction. After a few hours, I feel my eyelids get heavy, and I let myself drift off.

Something jerks my hand.

I'm immediately awake and on my feet, and I see what jerked my hand-

It was Gabriel.

He groans a little, but his hand grips mine and then goes limp again before finely pulling out of my grasp. I exhale a quick gasp and I think tears are in my eyes because Gabriel is stirring awake and Aaron was asleep too but now he's awake and attentive to Gabriel. Adele is here, and she's almost staring at Gabriel as hard as I am.

Gabriel lets out a few more groans and very slowly lifts his hand to his chest, feeling the bandages there. His eyes start to flutter and then his eyes are opening, the gold glints as gold as ever. His eyes flutter shut and he groans a little louder and starts to shift his body and Aarons calling his name softly and I'm as still as I can be, almost afraid if I move it'll ruin the moment.

Aaron gently puts his hand on Gabriel's shoulder while still calling his name. At the moment of contact Gabriel's eye's shoot open and he looks around wildly, looking but not quite seeing. And then he's yelling out in French, his voice broken and hoarse. Aaron pulls his hand back and he's telling him that it's okay, he's safe, we're here but Gabriel is still flinching from him and letting out curses in French. I go to grab his hand, but when I go to do so Gabriel sets his eyes on me and I realize as he jerks away, that there's fear in his eyes. He's scared of me.

It makes me freeze, and I put my hand back down to my side. "Gabriel…" I start but Gabriel's eyes dart between me and Aaran and I realize that it's not just fear in his eyes, it's confusion. Gabriel doesn't recognize me.

I think I figure it out about the same time as Aaron does, and Aaron looks to me with hesitation in his eyes and Gabriel is still trying to yell out in French but I'm already out the tent.

Gabriel is awake.

Gabriel doesn't recognize me.

More days' pass.

It's a while before I return to the camp. When I return this time, there's more people, and also Celia. I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. When she sees me, her expression tells me I'm right.

I slowly approach and when I reach the tent Celia stands in front of it, barring the entrance. I gulp, realizing my stomach is in knots and I think I'm starting to sweat a little bit. Aaron comes out of the tent, matching the same expression as Celia.

"Nathan," he starts, and the tone of his voice makes me stomach twist.

"It's the trauma, Nathan. He doesn't…" he trials off, and I'm sure it's because of how I'm standing, like I'm about to bolt off, which I might.

Aaron begins again, swallowing hard, "His memories aren't all there, Nathan."

Time stops, but not because of my gift. I gulp, I want to turn in to an animal because being an animal is easy, the animal doesn't care if Gabriel remembers him or not. But I don't. I bite my lip and ask, "Is he better? His body?" Celia and Aaron exchange a quick glance. Aaron nods. I step forward to enter the tent and they let me. When I enter, I pause.

There's Gabriel, sitting up in bed. He's bruised, he'll have new scars, and he's heavily bandaged, but as Gabriel and as handsome as ever. His eyes flick up to meet mine and his eyes are almost the same, strong and glinting gold, but there is no warmth in them, no twinkle in them like what I'm used to. I think I'm about to cry but I say anyway, "How are you feeling?"

He looks at me a second or two longer blankly before looking to the trainee who's name I can't remember. She's hesitant to look at me but she does and she looks apologetic and mutters to him in French. That's when it hits me he doesn't understand what I just said because he doesn't understand English.

He glances up at me and then answers the trainee in French. She nods and says to me, "He said he's better, and thank you." I nod and keep my eyes on Gabriel. There's now a lump in my throat and it makes it hard to breathe. He keeps his eyes on me, scanning my face, but I can see there is no hint of recognition there. Tears threaten to fall, so I turn and push past Celia and Aaron and sprint into the woods.

Gabriel healed fully after a month and a half. His body, anyways. I only went back to see him twice, and each time he still didn't act like he recognized me and it hurt so bad for him to regard me with the same indifference as anyone else that I had go. Aaron would keep me updated. He tells me that at first, Gabriel had no recollection of anything after the day he first met Mercury. His English slowly came back to him. He was surprised he was back to being a witch, he was surprised where he was, and it took days to convince him of the revolution he had taken part of. He didn't remember much, not how he got his witch powers back, not travelling Europe, not how Mercury died, not Van, not Nesbitt, not any of the people who surrounded him, and not me.

It was so painful.

I really had a thought that I would gladly lose another finger or earn another scar if that meant even a tenth of Gabriel's memories of me would come back. More time passed, however, and it seemed unlikely that that would ever happen.

I loved Gabriel, and I missed him dearly.

But what can you do when someone has no memories of you? No recollection of all the kisses you shared, the bullets you took for one another, the hills and rock walls you climbed together. It was hard, and when it was absolutely unbearable I just let the animal take over. Being an animal was easy.

After another month of avoiding the camp and getting updates from Aaron, Aaron came again, for the last time.

I didn't know it was the last time at first, though. I was sitting by my shelter of brambles by a small fire, starring into the flames when I heard footsteps. I knew it was Aaron, no one else cared enough to seek me out. Without looking up or acknowledging him, Aaron sat across from me. He only spoke when I finally met his gaze.

His eyes were so wide, but also hesitant. "He's stronger, so much stronger now." He starts, and I know he's talking about Gabriel. I nod, letting the smallest smile fall on my lips. A healthy Gabriel is all I want, really. Him remembering me would just be a very, very big plus. Aaron starts again, more nervous now. "I think we're leaving, Nathan." I look at him, thinking he's referring to himself and Adele. He averts his gaze.

"He's leaving too, Nathan. He wants to go back to France," Aaron checks my expression and I have no doubt worry and alarm are present on my face, "It's all he remembers, it's where he thinks home is."

But I know in the very bottom of my soul that that's not right, Gabriel's home is with me, and my home is with him but before I start to panic too bad Aaron says, "You should talk to him one last time, Nathan, before he goes." He says it with hope in his voice.

I clear my throat, "Does he…" I trial off, searching Aarons eyes with mine. He holds my gaze a second or two before looking away, knowing what I'm asking.

 _Does he remember me yet?_

But I know by Aarons demeanor the answer to the question is the same as it has been for the last two months.

I want to tell him that I can't do it, I can't bear to face him again and have Gabriel not smirk at me in the way that lets me know he's teasing me, or that he's glad to see me. It's too hard. Aaron says, "We're all leaving, me, Adele, Celia, Gabriel, all of us, in the morning." He looks serious now. "I don't want to leave you, Nathan." And I know what he's about to ask, but I'm already shaking my head. The woods are my home, the brambles and the creek are my home. People and cities and fains are not.

Aaron still looks at me very seriously, but I don't waver. He finally gives in with a sigh and his shoulders drop. He stands and takes a few steps to leave. Over his shoulder he calls, "We're all leaving by noon tomorrow. You shouldn't miss it." He walks away, through the trees and finally down a hill before I lose sight of him.

Maybe I should go, Aaron is my brother after all, I don't want him to leave without saying goodbye. But in reality I know I can't see Gabriel again, knowing that he's leaving and that he doesn't remember me. However, the idea of not seeing Gabriel at least one more time before I possibly never see him again makes my heart lurch so painfully I almost lose my breath. So I sit there, by my fire and my shelter until the sun sinks and the moon rises into the sky, and finally until the fire goes out and I'm left in the dark with only the light of the moon to see by. I don't really want to move, and I don't really want to get the fire going again. Maybe if I stay here motionless, tomorrow won't come. Maybe, I can freeze time forever, if I really try.

A twig snaps and I jerk my head towards the noise, the animal adrenaline immediately coursing through me. I strain my eyes to see by the moonlight, and listen to the soft padding of approaching footsteps.

A figure appears out of the trees. The figure is tall, walks with the confidence of a black witch, and has his long hair tucked behind one ear.

I don't know whether to cry or laugh or yell out, so I stay motionless where I sit. Gabriel comes to a stop a few feet from me, and I slowly stand, as if any quick movements will scare him off. We stand like that, only a few feet from each other but feels like miles. I look at him in the moonlight, there's a scar on the side of his head that seems to disappear into his hair, a few more spider web white scars on his arms and jaw, but still just as handsome as ever.

He won't meet my eyes. Finally, after what feels like forever, he clears his throat. "Err…" he starts, and I realize he seems nervous because of how hard I'm staring. I look down and he continues, "Err…hello." His accent seems thicker than before but to me, there has never been a better sounding French accent in the history of anything. He shifts, and glances down and around before finally meeting my eyes.

And Its _electric_.

But I can't tell if Gabriel feels the same shock so I remain the same and say, "Hello." My voice is low, almost a whisper. He stands there, still sneaking glances at me, as if he hasn't seen every inch of my body before. He bites his lip and I can tell he wants to speak, and I want him to speak but I don't want to push him or ruin anything so I wait for him to speak.

His eyes land on mine again. "They tell me that you were very important to me."

His voice is like music, his accent heavy and so alluring. Even though it feels good to hear him speak, my stomach can't help but drop and the lump is back in my throat. _Were_ , he said. I _was_ very important to him, meaning he still doesn't remember me. I swallow the lump in my throat, and just nod in answer to his statement.

He gazes at me some more, his eyes darting around my face and over my body. I just stay there, standing very still. He steps closer to me.

He reaches into his pocket and rustles around a moment before pulling something out of it. He holds it in his fist and takes another step towards me before showing me what he's got. Our eyes stay locked more a moment more before I glance down and see what he's got.

It's my father's ring. The ring I gave him and told him to keep forever. My chest tightens because I think he's showing me it as if to give it back to me but I don't want it, because I gave it to Gabriel as a birthday present, because it was all I had to give, because I loved him but before I can say any of this he speaks again.

"I didn't recognize this," he starts, his eyes not giving anything away, but never leaving mine as he continues, "But there is a lot I didn't recognize. So I asked the people who took care of me about it, and no one seemed to know."

He pauses, and glances down at the ring. "Finally, that very large woman, Celia, I think-" And I can't help myself and I let out a short exhale of laughter at his description of Celia. His eyes dart up to mine and stay there, the tiniest hint of a smile on his lips, "Celia, told me that it was yours. Actually, that it was your fathers, and he gave it to you for your giving." He's smiling now, very soft, and very much like Gabriel. He continues looking down and says softly, "They told me what happened to your father. How much you loved him." Bile rises in my throat but I try not to think about my father and what I had to do. He looks back into my eyes. "But, for some reason, you still gave this to me."

I can't stop starring into Gabriel's eyes. The last time I stared into his eyes this long was when he was bleeding out on the tower floor and I was praying his glints wouldn't go out. I swallow hard, and say, "That's right. It was my present to you." My voice is so hoarse and Gabriel nods at my answer.

"So," he begins, starting to smirk, "I must've been pretty important to you, too."

My heart skips a beat and I really think my knees will give out. Gabriel is looking at me just like he used to, with that same charming half smile on his face. I feel the lump in my throat come back but I think it's from relief.

"Do you…" I begin, but my voice cracks terribly so I stop. I can barely focus with Gabriel looking at me like that. "Do you remember?" I ask, my hands shaking.

Gabriel smiles so lovingly and says, "No."

My hands stop shaking. I look at him confused, and he lets out a soft laugh. I almost feel angry because I can't tell if he's being serious or not. I open my mouth to ask more questions, ask him why he's here then, and what's the point if he doesn't remember me and also I want to ask _how_ could he not remember me and I start to say this, I say, "But then why are you-"

But he cuts me off.

"I don't remember very much, or anything at all really," He steps closer now, so close I could count his eyelashes if I wanted to. He smiles down at me, and as he slips my father's ring ever so slowly back onto his finger he says,

"…but I can't seem to stop dreaming of you, Nathan."

Tears are in my eyes and my knees do buckle this time. Relief and happiness flood through me at the sound of Gabriel saying my name. I sink to my knees because it's just too much and Gabriel drops to his knees too. He's smiling, and he starts to look blurry and I realize it's because I'm crying. He laughs and cups one side of my face with his hand.

His touch is like nothing else.

"Those strange eyes of yours won't seem leave me alone." He looks at me just like he used to, gazing at me as if I'm not an animal, or a half code, or a monster.

"I dream of these scars," he says as he grabs my wrist that was warped by the acid bracelet so long ago. To my amazement he grabs my wrist so gently, so Gabriel like, and brings it to his lips, never breaking eye contact. I am so full of emotions that I was sure I was never going to feel again that I can't seem to speak.

I finally come to some sense and grab at him, clutching desperately at him, like he was my lifeline because in reality he is, he is my life and after a second of hesitation Gabriel holds me back and as we're embracing, the sun begins to break the dawn. Rays of sunlight break through the tree's and I finally pull back from Gabriel and see that he's crying too. I stare at him, at my Gabriel, and he's smiling and looks a little unsure but then before I can think twice I kiss him, and he kisses me, just like he used to and I know, with utmost certainty, I am happy. I am happy and I am with Gabriel, and Gabriel is with me.


End file.
